You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
