I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
