I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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