Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
