You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
