Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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