i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Randomize
