I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
