I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
