your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
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