I got chris browned last night
Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
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