I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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