do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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