my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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