And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
