If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Randomize
