I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Randomize
