your thong is hanging out like whoa
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Randomize
