I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Just high enough for therapy.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
