In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
last night I used snow as a chaser
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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