Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
