Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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