You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
We had sex on a dog bed..
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Randomize
