Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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