Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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