Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
