I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
