I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
