So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
