I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
