I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
