we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
