When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize
