I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Randomize
