Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Randomize
