i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
