You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
