I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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