oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
