theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
