Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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