We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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