life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Randomize
