i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
