I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
