Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
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