Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
