Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
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