Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
