The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Randomize