At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
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