Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
