I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I had to cum in my sink.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
