The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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