Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
