bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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