Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
You are the jesus of drinking
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
