Tell her she can't have a vagina
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
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