I have demons in me.
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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