So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
